God works in me daily. And, this week, I felt like there was a big breakthrough.
In all honesty, there has been an internal battle going on for some time, trying to “figure things out”. And, in that, I have been arrogant, blinded, and stubborn. With fear, anxiety, and prideful heart, I tried to do things my own way. I tried to judge everything around me based on my own – not God’s – strict ”rule”, intentionally and unintentionally. Unconsciously, I acted as if my effort and discipline would bring about God’s approval. Even though I knew it wasn’t true, I stubbornly stuck to this and this was harder to break as I struggled with my own thoughts and sin.
And then in my moment of utter brokenness, I finally felt peace, coming before God as just me — broken, imperfect, and completely clueless. Not trying to be someone better or worse than who I am, but just me. I remembered God’s constant reminder that it is His grace, not my will, that makes me whole. My effort to surrender my will has been actually a hindrance to letting God take control and trusting Him. It was when I acknowledged myself as I was and am, even the most weak and vulnerable, that I could truly surrender. And, I was reassured that the voice that condemned me was my own, not His. His voice, no matter my weaknesses, faults, and flaws, is always loving (which I cannot understand fully how it could be).
As I am preparing to be a YAV, I shared before I struggled some internally. Aside from all the excitements and expectation of amazing mission that I will take part in, I struggled trying to “figure out” where God’s will is in this journey. I was a bit anxious that I’m going out of my comfort zone. Worried that funds won’t be met because I have been hesitant too long. Yet, I’m gently and sternly reminded once again that as long as I trust and humble myself to my Father, I will be alright. His redemption and love are bigger than anything that I fear will consume me. As He told me through my lovely sister in Christ,
“do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7